I’m not a writer, I hope this makes some kind of sense.
It’s hard to know where to start when you don’t know who you are sometimes. I’ve spent fifty years of my life, and most of that time, I’ve been trying to figure out how to put the pieces of myself back together. I grew up in a house that wasn’t home, in a place where love felt more like a thing you begged for than something you got. Things happened when I was young—things I can’t shake, things that left scars I’m not going into now. I know I’m supposed to leave the past behind, but hell, it’s not so easy when the past follows you around like a shadow, always right there, always pulling you back.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to ignore that shadow, burying the memories, pretending they don’t matter, trying to be someone I’m not just to survive. You do that long enough, and you lose track of who you are. You lose your sense of self, your sense of what you’re even supposed to be. I don’t even know if I’ve ever really known who I was supposed to be. I never had a chance to find out.
But now, sitting here at fifty, it’s like something’s shifting, like there’s this quiet voice I can barely hear over all the noise, telling me there’s more to life than just surviving. That maybe I don’t have to keep hiding from who I was or pretending to be someone I’m not. Maybe I can still become something different, something better, even at this age, even after all the years of struggle.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, the idea of finding my place in the world. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess I’m thinking about how I can start over. Maybe not “start over” like erasing everything, but more like... turning the page. I’ve spent so much of my life keeping my head down, doing what I had to do, what I was trained to do to get by. And sure, I’ve worked, I helped raise my niece, and I’ve done the things that I was “supposed” to do. But what I was trained to do and the responsibilities I was “supposed” to be here for, came to an end this last year. and all I’ve felt is this hollowness, there’s this part of me, a part I didn’t even know was still there, that wants more. I want to matter. I want to do something that means something. I want to feel like I’m leaving something behind that isn’t just a lifetime of regrets.
I’ve been thinking about conservation again, about telling stories through photography, again. There’s something in that idea that feels... right. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like it’s something that I might be able to do. The world’s changing fast, and I guess I’m realizing that it’s changing faster than most people even realize. Maybe it’s time for me to capture what’s still here before it’s all gone.
I don’t have much to offer the world, but I’ve got an eye, a camera, and a heart that’s still looking for something worth believing in. Maybe telling the stories of this land, all the small things and the big things, the places that are still wild, maybe that’s what I’m meant to do. Maybe through my photos, I can help people care about what’s being lost, and how to protect it. I don’t know if I can make a difference. Hell, I don’t know if I can even do this right. But I know I’m running out of time to figure it out, and I don’t want to keep hiding from what I could be.
I’ve got my doubts, though. I’ve got a lot of them. I’ve spent too many years thinking I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not worth enough. I’ve been told that for so long, I believed it. But what if... what if I could change that? What if I could use what’s left of me to do something real, something that matters? What if I could tell a story that gives something back to this land instead of taking from it? What if we all gave more than we took?
I don’t know who I am yet, not completely. But I know that at fifty, I can’t keep running from myself. I don’t know what this next step looks like, or even how to begin, but I’m willing to try. I’ve spent too much of my life living in fear of what I could become. It’s time I start living for what I can become. Maybe it’s time I finally give myself a chance.
I don’t know if this journey is going to be worth following and watching, but just maybe. The posts on my socials like FB are going to be shared post from here. Instagram is still going to be updated as well as my new account on BlueSky, and YouTube will become a place to watch. So sign up for updates, I’ll do my best to make it good and worth your time. Thank you so very much.
YouTube: Billy Sauerland Photography
Instagram: @billysphoto
